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Tears keep falling from my face. Always thinking about that dark place. Even after all these years, I'm still broken and feeling out of space. Memories flash before my eyes, it’s like the devil in disguise. But even if the stars won't come out tonight, or refuse to shine a light. I know that in the end everything is going to be alright.

I wish I could find a place where I could just be at ease and stay. Where all the pain and suffering would finally go away. Where the broken pieces of my soul and heart wouldn't be shattered anymore. Where only love and hope would come knocking at my door.

Because I'd love life like a flower craves for sunlight. There's nothing I wouldn't do, for to live a life like most of you do.

I love it when I catch a glimpse of humanity left in this world. Like beautiful acts of kindness, that lighten up our day with that spark that we all have inside our heart. Like an ordinary unexpected kiss, or on a sunny day your loving mothers bliss. When these things make your day worthwhile, make you happy, even just for awhile. Treasure these moments, keep them locked away inside your heart. Because these are moments that money cannot buy, nobody can steal from you and you'll allways know inside you'll have to carry on - and try.

High-school memories felt more like the end of me. You hear people ramble about the good times and stories about having fun. For me, everyday felt like someone please hand me the gun. I remember constantly being ashamed for who I was. Never dared to look up twice, when all I ever did was be nice  Because it's a cruel world sometimes, when you're a unique work of art. Which you already were just so you know. Right from the very start.

This one does not begin with I wish you were here. Because I always have you near me, my dear. In my heart you'll always be you see. But in a way, I think this was meant to be. Your suffering tore you apart, from the start, when all we wanted was to have you healthy back strong, as a beating heart. You are not in pain anymore. If only I could see you again, through the window sitting on that chair by the door. I'll miss and love you if possible even more, so much more than I already did before. Please know that I feel you every now and then, I'd trade places with you in a second if I can.

'Cause like seasons change, my mind and mood does. I'm a worrier as much as I'm a warrior. I overthink and struggle with self love, am insecure and often dwell in the past. But that doesnt stop me from blooming into the woman I was meant to be. Being blessed with this life I'm given, I will forever be searching for beauty during the darkest hours. 'Cause after all, without the rain, you can't have blooming flowers.

Having issues makes me human. Being human makes me grateful. As long as I can feel and love life. I am enough.

Why is it that we only seem to find the right words to say, when something starts to fade away. Why is it that we search for love and need the urge to feel, yet never take the time to let our wounds heal. Why is it that whenever I think about you and me, it's always the same old painful history. The only thing I can think about, is all the things I did wrong, that ended in you being gone and me ending up all alone.

These thoughts in my head, they keep me up in my bed. It's like this song that has no end. And the good memories never seem to blend. No need to press play, because it'll always continue to stay that way. Until you pull yourself together, and finally find to courage to say "STAY THE HELL AWAY.".

Love is such an adventure. We all grow in the process to love one another. 'Cause you can't know from the start, what's inside each other's heart.

Your eyes seem more sparkly tonight. Gazing at them while your arms squeeze me tight. Your hands wrapped around mine soothes me, and all I wanna do for the rest of my life is adore you as yours truly.

To others it somehow always seems I choose when to be sick. But believe me when I say, if someone would've asked me at that very moment if wanted to die I wouldn't hesitate to say "Please make it quick.".

This constant pain, to never know if it will someday somehow come to end. It's like whatever I do, my mind and soul never together seem to blend. I've got so much sorrow inside of me, it eates me up alive so terribly. Cracked open and teared apart, but then again, happy endings never were my favorite part.

Exhausted to the bones. It's like being in a competition who suffers the most and would earn thrones.

To feel not good enough, when all we ever want is love. To feel good in company, why does it  feel so terrible. Insecure and so ashamed of who I am. The perks of being confident aren't all that glam. How I act and this constant feeling I lacked. I'm thinking maybe my soul is cracked.

Pain. It's something ugly we all have the same. Some of us get stronger and fight. Others stay in bed and cry all night. Who's to say, what's right. You don't choose how you feel, what you think and what about it, that's real. Every single one of us struggles throughout life. It's just that to the outside world, we seem okay. At first sight.

When it hurts to be alive, don't be afraid to look back. Trust that you're on the right track. Have faith and don't let your inner demons take the best of you. 'Cause whatever is about to happen, you are going make it through.

A light at the end of the tunnel. A breath of fresh air. And all of a sudden, I start to again care. I've been throug hell and back. Told myself that I was wack. For the first time in a long time, I can't decline. I am alive.

It's like moving mountains. To keep my head above water, is all I ask. Seems like all I can ever do, is wear my mask. Need to cover up the scars, need to cover up the pain. It's like I'm slowly going insane. Everytime I go to bed, I ask God to give me a sign. A sign that I'll be just fine. But then it just hits me like lightning, all I ever feel these days is frightening. 

I keep having these nightmares, they give me the chills. I'm thinking maybe I should take some more pills. I never wanted to be this person, always scared. But whatever I do, it's like I'm being dared. Don't want to shut my eyes or go back to sleep. This thing cuts me to the soul way to deep.

When will happiness stay, just or a little while longer. I don't ask for much, but it feels like this constant hunger. Hungry for a breath of fresh air. Hungry for sunshine in my eyes. Hungry for a love that never dies. Hungry for a home where there's love. Found in every corner. Found in every shad. I desire to feel happily made.

It's the simple things in life that shine more than diamonds. All I wish for is to somehow see that shimmer reflect on me. In everything I do, and everything I see. And from that moment on, I can begin to truly, and I mean really, finally be free.

Whatever the future has in store for me, I hope it encourages me to pursue life. To continue to hold on to the roots and someday maybe even be someone's wife.

It wasn't me, or who you wished me to be. I wasn't how I wished to be treated. All it ever did was get me defeated. If only I could erase my past. Make my self love and confidence last. I would cross oceans to never be, who you made me.

I.C.



 

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